How long will my case take?

As long as we want it to. Your case will progress at the speed of strategic inconvenience. The more you push, the slower we go. Time is money, and as long as the clock is ticking, we’re winning.

Can I expect timely responses?

Absolutely not. We specialize in the art of delayed communication. Every response is carefully timed for maximum frustration—just long enough to be infuriating but not quite long enough to be ignored. Bonus points if we can make you send a follow-up request first.

What if I send multiple emails and follow up frequently?

We appreciate your dedication to futility. Your persistence will be met with:

• Complete silence.

• Vague acknowledgment promising a response “in due course.”

• Single-line email stating the matter is "under consideration."

If we’re feeling generous, we’ll provide a two-word response that answers nothing.

Do you act in the best interests of your clients?

That depends. If dragging out disputes, intentionally failing to provide what us required by the court, and inflating legal fees align with our client’s interests, then yes, absolutely! Otherwise, we default to acting solely in the best interest of Dawson Davies Solicitors & Barristers.

What’s your strategy for handling disputes?

We follow a proven, battle-tested legal doctrine:

• IGNORE.

• DELAY.

• DEFLECT.

• ACCUSE.

• DENY.

  (Repeat as needed.)

If at any point we’re forced to acknowledge an opposing argument, we will:

• Misinterpret it.

• Refute a point that wasn’t actually made.

• Declare it “quite simply unfounded” with no further explanation.

Will you address all my concerns in correspondence?

Of course not. We will carefully select one irrelevant detail, focus exclusively on that, and completely ignore the actual issue. If you try to redirect us back to the real point, we’ll repeat our original misinterpretation—but this time with more confidence.

What if the court issues an order?

Court orders are suggestions, not obligations. While others may panic and comply, we prefer a more refined approach:

• Selective compliance.

• Feigning confusion over its meaning.

• Requesting endless clarifications while doing nothing.

• Simply pretending we didn’t see it.

What are your firm’s ethical standards?

We don’t have any. Ethics are for people who care about justice or principles—we are neither burdened nor distracted by such concepts.